There comes a point in almost every marriage where a combination of internal and external issues put the relationship under intense strain. The pressures of work, finances, and family can sometimes cause even the closest of partners to drift apart. Sometimes, this distance becomes too big to bridge, leading to a breakdown in the marriage.
If you’re at this point, you’re not alone. In over 20 years of practicing divorce and family law, our team has guided a multitude of clients through the difficult process of divorce. We’re confident we can do the same for you. However, we typically advise our clients to take 5 specific steps before filing for divorce.
5 Things to Do Before Getting Divorced
Divorce demands a hefty price—on all aspects of life—and should not be entered into without counting the cost.
Building a strong marriage is a lifelong endeavor. It takes commitment, hard work, and sacrifice every day. When an imbalance of work, strained finances, or lack of communication slowly causes damage, or there is hurt and mistrust, it takes even more from each person to restore a marriage—but it’s not impossible. Typically, if you or your spouse are at the point of considering divorce, it’s going to take a good deal of hard work to get your marriage back on track.
Before deciding that divorce is the only option, do these five things first.
Identify Your Role & Responsibility
“No one is perfect. No matter what the issues are, no matter how difficult a partner we’ve picked, we all contribute, in some way, to the problems we have. Perhaps we’re provocative, or dismissive, or we don’t keep our word. Perhaps we’ve been unwilling to speak up, or be honest, or tackle our marital difficulties head-on. Maybe we’re too quick to flare or to blame.
Taking responsibility for your part isn’t the same thing as being fully at fault. No matter what’s happened, you’re not responsible for your partner’s behaviors and responses. You are, however, responsible for yours.
Accurately assessing your contribution will help you identify behavior changes that might improve your marriage enough that you’ll decide to stay put and work on them,” says Winifred M. Reilly, a psychotherapist specializing in marital therapy and relationship issues.
You can’t control your spouse’s behavior; you can only control your own.
Ask Hard Questions & Answer Honestly
Clinical Psychologist Bruce Derman, Ph.D., and Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Wendy Gregson collaborated to produce a list of eight questions to ask yourself when determining if you are ready for a divorce:
- Do you still have feelings for your partner?
- Were you ever really married?
- Are you truly ready for divorce, or are you just threatening?
- Is this a sincere decision based on self-awareness, or is it an emotionally reactive decision?
- What is your intent in wanting a divorce?
- Have you resolved your internal conflict over the divorce?
- Can you handle the unpleasant consequences of divorce?
- Are you willing to take control of your life in a responsible and mature way?
Communicate With Your Spouse
Communicating in a respectful, calm, and non-accusatory manner will open the door for meaningful conversation with your spouse. Focus on the Family offers these suggestions for getting started:
- Begin by approaching your spouse at the right time and in the right manner. Choose a time when he or she is not distracted or too stressed or tired.
- Approach your spouse in a non-confrontational manner. An angry tone of voice or condescending “parent to child” approach will only cause him or her to shut down.
- Make sure you bring up the topic in a non-threatening way. If your communication pattern has digressed to the point that when you bring up this topic, your spouse becomes defensive and “blows up,” you may consider writing him or her a letter to be read when you are not present. This gives your spouse time to think about what was said and respond without all the emotions.
- Don’t say, “You need counseling.” Recognize and admit that “we” have a problem, and it must be addressed as a team.
Commit to Marriage Counseling
Committing to a minimum timeframe for counseling gives you and your spouse the opportunity to work through the difficult aspects of your relationship without the threat of one partner quitting when things get hard. Seeking counseling may seem daunting at first, but knowing what to expect and finding a quality, licensed therapist is worth the investment to save your marriage from divorce.
Attend a Marriage Intensive Experience
“Right now, your situation may feel like two people, too far apart, with too much damage done to save your marriage. But, before you and your spouse close the door forever, you owe it to yourselves, and possibly your children, to give saving your marriage another try,” says the Hope Restored website.
“The Intensive format was designed to allow individuals to get to the root of their issues quickly, with ample time to focus on resolution and growth. The extended amount of time spent within the Intensive setting gives couples the opportunity to go deeper without many of the distractions of daily life, and time to stay long enough to consider the solutions available to them.”
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Know What to Expect
Most people contemplating divorce think they know what to expect. Generally, you never know what will happen and the extent your life will change unless you have been divorced before. Even if that’s the case, divorces are different. Every divorce has its own unique parties, circumstances, timelines, and many other variables. So, take time to understand in-depth what a divorce will mean physically, emotionally, logistically, etc.
The process can be plagued with emotions ranging from anxiety to anger, fear, resentment, doubt, and regret. Most of these emotions never really surface to the full extent until you know for sure you are divorcing your spouse. For this reason, understand that contemplating divorce doesn’t bring up the same emotions as an actual divorce.
What’s more, emotions are just a tiny part of the process. You must think of the legal rights of a single person. This will involve understanding many aspects of single life once again.
State Laws Regarding Divorce
Before you ask for that divorce, you also need to think of state laws. What do Alabama laws say about divorce and related aspects like property division, custody, alimony, etc.? Are you ready to abide by co-parenting laws applicable in Alabama? How long does the process take?
Your Living Arrangements
You should also think about your living situation and how it will change. Consider:
- Can you continue living in your marital home?
- Do you have a place to stay, and what are the implications of moving out of your marital home?
- What if your spouse is willing to work things out? Is that something you are willing to do?
- If your spouse decides to “wage war,” what do you expect them to do? Are you prepared for a messy fight?
Your Spouse’s Reaction
Having been married to someone, you can anticipate their reactions to a divorce to some extent. You should be asking yourself if you can counter every possible move they choose to react to your divorce request. A common example would be anticipating child custody issues. Also, what kind of emotional reaction do you expect? Will your spouse be abusive or violent? What should you do?
In a nutshell, there are countless expectations when you finally decide to divorce. Unless you talk to a divorce attorney first when contemplating divorce, you can’t tell for sure what will happen. The actual divorce process is plagued by surprises, mixed emotions, loss, and other negative consequences.
While you shouldn’t stick to an abusive marriage, divorce should be thoroughly thought of beforehand. The best approach is to take your time and get legal help. You should also do your homework to reduce unpleasant surprises when you finally decide to proceed.
Plan Ahead
By anticipating what may happen if you choose to divorce, you can plan better for your journey ahead. This step should be taken before initiating divorce. You must think of “everything” while being guided by expectations. For instance, you need a plan on how to move on emotionally and physically. This is arguably the hardest part. How do you plan to leave someone while you are still with them?
What’s more, how do you erase or embrace years of good memories? How do you plan to disengage someone who has been your support system? Remember, once you divorce someone, you can’t go back. Seeking counsel or emotional support is no longer an option once you divorce someone. However, you must continue co-parenting if you have kids. How do you intend to maintain a healthy balance?
Have you thought about their future? Will it affect you to see them happy with another person? How do you wish to deal with such scenarios? This step is about preparing the next one to five years of your life, which is usually the time it takes to get over an ex-spouse.
You can read books on divorce, do online research, speak to divorce attorneys, go to counseling, and talk to friends who have divorced as part of your planning process. Ensure you plan for every eventuality discussed above, from moving on financially to dealing with co-parenting issues. Planning for a divorce demands an unmatched level of planning. You must work or face regrets from going through a process that isn’t well thought of.
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Set Your Intention
If you know what to expect, plan ahead, and are still convinced that divorce is the way, you can pause and “listen” to your intuition before making a final decision. You can contemplate divorce all you want. However, you shouldn’t move on until the desire to leave your marriage is stronger than that of staying.
Your inner self usually knows what you want. If you know how to deal with the difficulties that come with divorce, talk to professionals, answer every possible question on divorce from child custody to state laws and the effects on your children, you are bound to make a more prudent decision.
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Embrace Life After Divorce
When contemplating divorce, the last and final stage is acceptance. You should accept the future and its uncertainties. For instance, expect to have periods of lows and highs despite having done everything in your power to prepare. What’s more, you should understand the permanency of divorce. The life changes you undergo will test you and your sanity. In many cases, you won’t like the outcome. However, you must be kind to yourself and move on.
Divorce isn’t the end of the world. If you’ve done something you can’t undo, move on. Embrace divorce recovery and find the support you need. After contemplating and going through a divorce, you must pick yourself up and face the challenges. Expect to second-guess yourself, feel like a failure, and face more challenges than before. However, life doesn’t stop after a divorce. You may not see it yet. Time will heal you. Most importantly, believe that the best is ahead of you.
Contemplating divorce can be scary. It’s an important step to avoiding problems when you decide to divorce. You must do the work prior to making your decision. Most importantly, seek legal advice.
Things to Consider When Hiring a Divorce Lawyer
If you have taken all these steps and you are still resolute in your desire for a divorce, it’s time to consider hiring a divorce lawyer. You may have friends or family members who are lawyers that offer to take your case. However, before you accept their offer, or let any lawyer represent you, consider this:
- How familiar are they with divorce cases?
- Have they represented clients in family court in the county where your divorce takes place?
- Is the lawyer highly rated in their field by both clients and opposing counsel?
- Have they handled child custody, child support, and visitation arrangements?
We are a family law and divorce firm that has amassed over 20 years working on behalf of good people looking to end bad marriages.
What Do Divorce Lawyers Negotiate?
Divorce always brings several issues to be negotiated between the spouses. Items that divorce lawyers negotiate during divorce proceedings include, but are not limited to the following:
- Asset division (e.g., who is getting the house, the car(s) or any other valuables)
- Alimony or spousal support
- Child custody
- Child support
No matter what your priorities are on these issues, our attorneys will use our resources to make the strongest case possible on your behalf. Our goal is for you to be better off after your divorce settlement than you were the first time you walked into our office.
Hiring the Right Divorce Attorney Can Make a Huge Difference
Divorce is never an easy process. Even under the best of circumstances, people going through divorces can face incredible emotional and financial challenges. That’s exactly when the right advice from competent counsel can make all the difference.
Our team wants to guide you through your divorce, but we also recognize the human element of the legal process. There may be times when we have to give you the legal advice you don’t want to hear, but the way we see it, that’s when our job is the most important.
The last thing we want to do is see you make an ill-informed decision or snap judgment based on the frustration of the moment. Our lawyers know that sometimes the best legal advice might be hard to take. We also know that delivering tough legal advice with tact and genuine concern for your well-being makes it easier to follow.
Making the Best out of a Bad Situation
If you’ve made the decision to get divorced, the process that follows will be one of the most challenging times of your life. However, that doesn’t mean you can’t come out better on the other end of all. Charlotte Christian Law can help you make the best out of this very difficult situation. That’s part of the Charlotte Christian Law difference.
Resolving marital issues takes time and effort, and it’s best to consider all the options before approaching your spouse about divorce. A consultation with Charlotte Christian Law can answer questions and help you understand your legal options for divorce. Contact us by calling us today to schedule your consultation.
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